I'm pants shitting drunk right now
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
only you would photoshop your dick
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
