I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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