Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
