i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
