i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
