I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
