dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
