....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
