I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
