I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
