I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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