one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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