Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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