the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
