The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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