I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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