Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
