I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
