yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
