The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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