Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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