Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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