so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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