Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
