Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
