I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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