Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
