Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
