i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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