she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize