i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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