he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
