You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
