I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
