She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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