If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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