Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
