This house was built for laser tag.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
