The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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