You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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