Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
