True but thats because hes a fetus.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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