I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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