a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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