Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
