Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
