just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
