I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
