sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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