so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
