I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
