My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
