I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
