Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
