My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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