Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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