I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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