I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
