i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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