@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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