At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
