I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Shame - the story of my life.
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