Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
