What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize