This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
