this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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